Pinky's Tip...The Gentle Art of Writing Your Vows

Pinky Agnew, respected celebrant and talented speaker, gives you some direction when it comes to the difficult task of writing your vows.

WHAT ARE VOWS?

The vows are the promises a couple make to one another as part of the wedding or civil union ceremony. Interestingly, they are actually a legal requirement of both ceremonies.  So when writing the vows, start with the legal part.

According to Births, Deaths & Marriages, the legal requirement for civil unions is: 'Each party must make a clear statement to the other that names both parties and acknowledges that they are freely joining in a civil union with each other.' 

The legal requirement for weddings is:  'Each party must say the words, "I AB, take you CD, to be my legal wife/husband" - or words to similar effect.  The full names of the respective parties should be used at the places marked AB and CD.' 

Romantic, eh? 

For most couples, the vows aren't a matter of the law, but of the heart. As well as making promises about how they want to conduct their relationship and honour each other as partners, vows often also express how the couple feel about each other. 

Having addressed the legalities, the creative art of writing vows begins. Allow yourselves plenty of time for the process. Too many couples leave this until the day before the wedding. It gets bumped down the list after choosing fabrics and table settings. Remember the vows are at the heart of your ceremony. 

GET THINKING
The first step, as it always is with anything creative, is thinking about your vows. 
*    Ask yourself, what is it that I want to promise my intended? 
*    Look at books and bridal magazines, and check out the Internet. 
*    Ask your celebrant to give you a list of example vows.   
*    Start a file of notes and clippings. 

GET TALKING
The next step is to talk about your vows together - maybe when you're going for a walk or having dinner together. Consider these points:
*    Your vows must contain the legal wording.
*    Your vows do not have to be the same as each others.
*    Your vows can be repeated after the celebrant, printed onto cards or memorised.
*    Your vows can be as long or as short as you wish.
*    Your vows can use humour - as long as the main intent is serious, and the celebrant is satisfied that they are sincerely meant. 
*    Ask yourselves, what do we want to promise each other?  For example, some people don't feel they can say "I will always love you", because there may be times when they may not love that person. But they do want to promise they will always stick by that person, and work through any challenges with respect and understanding. 

GET WRITING
This is the last step of the process. 
*    Allow yourselves plenty of time to write your vows. 
*    Make it an enjoyable time - maybe have wine and delicious treats to eat. 
*    Gather together all the ideas and resources that you have collected.
*    Don't be afraid to use poetry or even song lyrics. 
*    Begin by writing down the legal part of the vows. 
*    Be open to each other's suggestions. 
*    Write everything down, then begin editing, shifting paragraphs around.
*    Vows are meant to be said aloud, so make sure you feel comfortable with the language. You may be nervous, so don't include words you may trip over.     
*    Don't be afraid of saying what's in your heart. Ask "What do we think?" not "What will others think?"

RING VOWS
People often say vows when exchanging rings. These vows are lovely, but not a legal requirement. 
*    Ring vows are best to be short, and easily repeated after the celebrant. You don't want to be juggling a card while you are putting the ring on your partner's finger. 
*    Usually the ring vow is about the significance of the ring - "I give you this ring..."  "This ring symbolises..."  "When you wear this ring..."
*    It is usual to use first names only when making ring vows. 

- Pinky Agnew (MNZM), Celebrant