How do I deal with my parents?

Confused, Auckland

Erin & Lauren answers...

That is an incredibly unfortunate situation, and one that is going to be tricky no matter which way you look at it.

It's certainly not a wedding without family drama - it's almost commonplace for couples to have to jump hurdles with their parents - whether over or around them. However, in your case, it's especially difficult, and one that you certainly don't need when you are planning such a happy occasion.

The issue seems to not be whether or not your mother's partner should come, but rather whether or not your father can control himself around them both.

Everyone deals with issues in their own time, and while I know you have come to terms with your mother's relationship, it's understandable that your father is still struggling to accept it.

In saying that, it sounds to me like your wedding day is an ideal way for him to face the realities of your mother's relationship...if not for himself, at least for your sake. The prospect of being in the same room for an entire evening may be difficult for both of them to digest, but they need to come to the realisation that the day is not about them - it is about their daughter. It really can be the ideal event - even "deadline" - for your father to move on.

If your wedding is still awhile away, you have some time to work on this. Maybe make some subtle hints when discussing your wedding day - mention how important it will be for you and your fiance, and how excited you are to take this amazing step in front of your closest friends and family. It is possible that after some reflection, he will come around on his own.

I wouldn't however put all your bets on him doing this himself. Do you have an aunt, uncle or family friend who you are close with, who is also close to your father? It may be best to talk to them about the situation. They can then approach your father from a neutral perspective and explain how you feel and what you want for your wedding (i.e. for him to put aside his anger and bitterness on the day). Sometimes it makes a huge difference when you hear you are being unreasonable from a person completely removed from the situation. Chances are this designated person will also be less emotional and more diplomatic.

Failing this, consider sending him a letter telling him how important it is to you that he is there on your wedding day. Tell him that it would mean the world to you if he was there to walk you down the aisle. Make it clear to him that he needs to be the bigger person, that it is not about your mother or her partner, but that it is about you, and that you want nothing more than to share this incredible day with him.

As Lauren said, "I would try to keep things as calm as possible with your father - and do your best to get him to sympathize with your situation. Avoid getting into a confrontation with him, as this will only wind him up and ultimately make things worse. I would focus on the positive and not give him the option of deciding if your mother's partner comes or not...that is your decision and not his to make."

This may not be something you want to hear, but it's a truth you may have to face. As it gets closer to the wedding, if you still feel like he truly won't be able to come to terms with the situation and is still threatening to cause problems, you may need to face the reality that it will be best for everyone if he does not come. More than anything else, it will save you the stress of worrying what he's going to do. 

We wish you all the luck for an enjoyable, family-filled and drama-free wedding day.